As I sit here on my porch in my Southern California home on a Sunday evening with my cup of coffee and a cigarette freshly smoked I wonder. I've been wondering for quite sometime now, thinking, stumbling, thoughts in an out of my head of what am I to do with my life? What am I to do with my life this week, or next week? I'm a Minneapolis born and raised young girl who was confused and not happy at home. Things were spiraling down hill and I thought they would not ever get back up. I had always visited here every chance I could get, and automatically fit right in, and thought I was meant to be here. I picked up a raggity old suit case from the dollar store, sold my car and I was on my way. Southern California. Where they say dreams and possibilites lay. They do. Connections and opportunities may come you're way here if you have the right mind set. Thats where my problem is. I've been struggling out here, some good and some bad. I started off pretty good, and I cant say that things were all that hard. They say you can come to California with nothing and end up with everything. I was working at a restaurant making good money at first for a good month or two, and ended up getting fired. I learned a lot from that experience and decided it was okay and I would just find another job, right? I applied to over 20 places in the area and went to several interviews. I was surviving on pennies. Barely being able to afford groceries, biking everywhere, and was completely jobless for almost a month. Living the life style here is not at a price where you can be in that kind of situation. Sure I have my parents supporting me, but not when it comes to rent being due. They support my thoughts, emotions, and decision to come out here and experience this while I could. Basically I am stooped here in my yellow throne chair while my thoughts and emotions are going wild through my head and body. I awoke a few times just the other night from pains in my stomach. The nervous, butterflies, excitement kinda feeling. I was dreaming that I was home in Minneapolis. Was it my subconscious telling me that I want to go back home? Can I be happy, pursue, and grow where my roots are? Can I go back home, start a life fresh and new in a cute little apartment on the streets of Hennepin and Lyndale? I come to realize (i think) that I did so much come here to understand that I wasn't unhappy at home because of my friend group, family, the musty cold weather, and familiarity of Minneapolis, I was more so just unhappy with myself. The pressure and disclosure of the familiarity of home is all coming back to me. I won't be able to take these younger years of my life with living with my sisters and parents back when I'm 30 years old. I understand now that it's okay to travel, and experience things like moving to California when you're 18 years old, not going to college right away, and struggling for a job to pay rent or making decisions on you're own and feeling unsure of things. But the time is running out is whats causing the pain.
Done.
Had a minor melt down writing that.
Smile on my face now. No more venting, decision is made.
Minneapolis it is, I'm going to continue to grow down your streets.
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