bed time

Laying in my bed listening to Jackson Browne texting a cute boy.
I can smell a bonfire seeping through my cracked  window that lies at the bottom of my bed.
i missed that smell more than i even knew.
that is all, i love you minnesota

im going for it.

happy days

are coming my way.
Woke up this morning to my mama telling me to wake up and start my day off with searching for my new home in uptown.
I did some quick yoga, made some coffee and I did as she said.
I sat in a coffee shop off Lyndale with muh lady friend soon to be roommate looking for our new gypsy den on the sreets of minneapolis.
Job searching for a few days with applications and resumes for endless minutes i hope pays off.
A walk in interview started off my day, with two phone calls from other places following later on.
Now I just need to blow these interviews and make them bosses ask for ME.
Now I need a home.
Someone find me and some pretty ladies a gypsy den for us to build our lil life in.
Wish me luck.

today and tomorrow i like

candles and wood
and turquoise and feathers
and aztec and indians
and lace and leather
and picture frames and drapes
and jean and denim
and studs and rings
and hair buns and eyebrows
and crystals and bangles
and lipstick and blush
and blue eyes and smiles.

theyre all right and theyre all wrong,
its like trying to make out every word,
when they should simply hum along.
It's not some message written in the dark,
or some truth that no ones seen,
its alittle bit of everything.

i like to smile these days.

roaming

I roamed last night in my combat boots and short levi shorts until my feet felt like they were going to just about fall off.
Took a car ride down to the stone arch bridge for fireworks. Ended up watching the fireworks from the back window of the car because we had to drive through neighborhoods for endless minutes looking for parking. We finally made it to the old broken down pilsbury mill by the river where we had planned to sit on the rooftop and watch the fireworks. We saw the last few minutes on foot, but they were one of the best firework shows ive seen in awhile.
I had never been to the pilsbury mill but have always wanted to. Struggled alittle getting up but thats the fun part. Adventuring through the old cracked floor, the dusty miscellaneous concrete items, the spray paint bottles surrounding you everywhere, and the few hundred PBR bottles covering the floor.
After a good hour with just a phone light for direction, 3 ladders and rooftops later, climbing through this old factory not knowing where were going, finally had found the doorway to the destination rooftop.  I may or may not have completely knocked myself out bumping my forehead through the door way, almost needing stitches and looking like an egg was in my head..
I had to troop it out and let the blood drip down my face.. It's okay though, i was surrounded by friends and climbed up the sign, sharing a bottle of whiskey out of a brown paper bag, and smoking a cigarette over looking one of the most beautiful cities. We sat up there for awhile downing the bottle, watching people spray paint the rusted building.
It was quite the scene.
Im not sure if its a coincidence or what, that the first week ive been home from California I've done and seen some of the best places that Minnesota has to offer. From the quarries cliff jumping in St paul, to floating down the harriet river, to adventuring in the mill downtown minneapolis for the Stone Arch Bridge fireworks, but it really has just about hit me in the head knocking me over with realization to how much this town has to offer.
Now im off to have lunch with some friends, and roam the streets of uptown to find me a job.
Crossing fingers, wish me luck ;)

Steps goodbye and hello.

bittersweet

I  had such a magical past few days. My last days here in California have been nothing but quite surreal. I have spent the best times right by my best friends side.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and had the most crazy feelings.
I was scared and almost terrified.
Im not sure what it might of been, but I know I will slowly find out.
I had coffee and cinamon rolls and laid under the California sun for the last few hours.
I had my astrology told by one of the coolest women ive ever met.
Everything was correct to the T, and I left the kitchen table speechless.
We took the long ride down the 405 to LAX which actually seemed like a 5 minute car ride.
I said goodbye to everything I have known for the past 6 months. Have I been on vacation? I keep questioning myself. Is it time to go home? It was so mellow and casual. Thank god.
I sit here on these plastic connected movie theatre chairs at the airport surrounded by strangers with my Japanese Umbrella, pea cock feathers, Navajo winter coat, by my side. I'm sipping my $5.00 star bucks coffee and I still don't really know quite what im doing. I do know Im going back to my roots tonight, my streets, my home, my familiarity, and my family.
Grandma Yoya says ill be back in 3 months, or maybe once summer passes.
For now, all I know is that I'm going home hoping and finding that it will all come to me.
How long, I dont know, I dont care.
It will come and I am happy.

Last afternoon

My little gypsy playing the flute in our empty house only filled with memories.

last few

Shipped three boxes out from Newport beach to Minneapolis today.
Yesterday I went to an all natural raw juice health place. Listened to a super intelligent lady give such an interesting speech about mushrooms and how they are saving peoples lives. I had the most delicious all raw meal that I shared with my best friend. We also met some of the coolest people I've met in a really long time. They were 13. Two girls who were sisters, one of them were adopted.  They were basically me and Jena when we were 13, yet we still act exactly the way they dio now. They were so talented in ways that amazed us both. We ended up hanging out with these girls and danced with them, sang with them, and we ended up learning their routines for dance in the parking lot of the Juice Bar.
Today I woke up and got to play dress up and model for one of my favorite boutiques here in Costa Mesa.
Today I went to an outdoor concert in Tustin and listened to people sing and play guitar.
I had 7 cups of coffee.
I ate granola bars and gelato.
I did what me and my best friend do best,
jammed out to snoop dog and biggie on the radio in the red truck.
I got pretty random and spontaneous and got a tattoo to finish my other,
ever forwards, never backwards.
My last few days here have been quite some of the best days I've had here in California.
I've met some super cool people these last days, and they all have told me their story. I dont know if its quite the coincidence that I just decided to stop drinking last week, but these last few days I have met more people who have became sober rather it be just this week, or have been for years, that me and Jena have ran into and they tell us their stories. How their doing so good, successful, happy.
Lets give this all a shot.
I like trying new things when it comes to putting a god damn smile on my face everyday. 
Thats the way it should be.
Last night on the futon in this old little house on Church Street.
Nothing but dust, a few boxes, a bicycle, some tea cups, and this futon remains.
Good night 1971 house. Although it hasnt been long, its been quite the time here.

Slowing down

So I put on my heels and light my cigarette. 

Standing outside of noisy bars and whiskey shots. Take a good look because these nights will quiet down. 

Smile

She told herself to smile.

Grin and don't bare it, wear it. 

Wear it well because that smile looks good on you. 

She had told herself lies and made up excuses.

Realization is one of the best things that comes to oneself. 

So keep your heart strong 

and love long 

and give kisses often.

Sunday quiet evening

He sang guitar and she softly spoke her own written words. I sat in the grass that night, it was warm with a cold breeze. I laid there listening and didn't speak a word for what it seemed like hours. Time flew and I drank champagne and was on my way to Los Angeles for the night.
A Sunday night I can't complain about.

an overwhelming feeling of excitement and more so nervousness likes to take over me sometimes. I'm not the best when realizing that I need to deal with it so I sit here in my house that I've been living at for over 5 months now while I am put on hold of the air lines to switch my current flight home to Minneapolis. I can barely understand the operator speaking to me, but Im trying to be patient. Boxes for days, and empty kitchen cupboards surround me. Packing up and picking up just waiting for the day to come that I leave, im trying to be patient. With nothing to do but pack things up and wait my days here.

certain.

One thing is certain: you can never become anything other than yourself, and unless you become yourself you cannot be happy. Happiness happens only when a rosebush grows roseflowers; when it flowers, when it has its own individuality. You may be a rosebush and trying to flower as lotus flower — that is creating insanity. Erase the mind. And the way to erase it is not by fight: the way to erase it is just to become aware.

Sometimes I get weird sensations where I feel like I can rule the world. Is that normal? I like it.
-oh and i just wrote that while biking up a pretty large hill.
Maybe it's the 3 red bulls I just finished..

amerrrrca

Survived.

I survived the Newport beach 4th of July madness. The fact that I can be sipping tea, safely in my own bed deserves quite the pat on the back. Why I am up and writing at 5am questions me, but I'm totally ok with it. Started around 4pm which is actually later than I had planned or thought, biked down the to peninsula after a vodka soda playing lil weezy and snoop dog from my ipod player connected at my waist. The streets of the beach were completely crowded and packed shoulder to shoulder, bike to bike. Could barely get from house to house. Stayed for a cocktail, and made our way back up to square one, our house/area. Ate some toast, had another cocktail and I was on my way again. I'm definitely a trooper for biking everywhere although it was surely not easy after the 4th drink, but after the house party I had last rode to... 

Let's just say, the 4th was chaos, drunkness, stupidity, exactly what I had expected, but I'm ready to go home. Yesterday helped me realize that alot, which I expected it to make me want to stay forever.. Yea yea I'm over the scene, and party madness here, thanks amerca, thanks 4th of July for helping me out a bit. Over you.
Im going to have some cereal, take some Advil, and go to bed now. Good night amerca.

;) xoxo

Woke up to sun creeping through the slightly cracked wooden windows to an empty loft filled with busy street air but it felt so refreshing. Jenavieve played piano and made espresso.

Los Angeles

happy 3rd of july.



I would normally be out and about making my way through the smelly bars pouring myself with liquor, or at a house party flirting my way through shots of vodka and smelling like cigarettes.
Instead I decided to take a breather and take a night ride cruise to down town los angeles for the night.
Driving down the 405 seeing the fireworks off in the distant listening to jackson brown and reminiscing
with two of my favorite people.
I sit here on a wooden cracked floor in the arts district at a loft that is absolutely undescribeable. My view to my left is a wall full of old slightly cracked windows that over looks buildings covered in art and graffiti and cafe lights. My view to my right is an empty kitchen, a pool table, some cool artwork  hung on the walls, and the  the most beautiful view of this city. Los angeles.
The building lights streaming and reflecting off one another are enough for me, ill pass the drunken fire works until tomorrow.
Tonight I will lay low with my ladies in this empty loft, fill my head with good vibes and music, some yoga and hot tea. Some dawes and granola are definitely included.
Cheers Los Angeles.

remember

nothing is impossible. the word itself is "im possible".

Insomnia

1:30am.

Tossing turning and thinking since 12.
Currently smoking a cigarette on my yellow throne chair on the porch.
3rd cup of sleepy time tea brewing and a bowl full of grapes.
Please faaaaaall asleep Natalie

stolen shadow

Although this didn't happen to me today, I still like to share this story that I'm about to share with you because it's definitely one to remember that I will keep with me for awhile. I was riding my bike home from the beach that I tried to make sure I biked to every single Tuesday by myself for the day, when I was heading to the side street cafe for an avocado sandwich. I was tired and hot and stuck at a red light waiting to cross the busy street. An old man was snickering around by me talking to himself when  he came up to me. He quietly turned to me waiting for me to look back or even acknowledge that he was trying to get my attention as I continue to look straight ahead, and anyways said "excuse me miss, but do you mind if I steal your shadow?" I had barely even showed that I had heard him because at first I was alittle thrown off and scared of him although he wasn't scary at all and i felt quite safe. I gave him a strange look and continued to look forward waiting for the light to turn trying to process if he had really just asked to steal my shadow? He then after no response back from me, took out a piece of chalk from his pocket and proceeded to outline my shadow on the pavement. I gave him a smile and slowly biked off down the crosswalk. I get to the side street cafe and I can still see him across the street outlining the pavement and drawing his thoughts away, wandering what he thought he had just done. Although I will never get an answer to as of what was going on in his head, or what this guy was all about but he was a cool dude. I sat down and got an iced tea and avocado sandwich and continued my day after the man by side street had stolen my shadow.

lay time

I love waking up early before
you're alarm clock goes off. 
It's my favorite time to lay in 
bed and doodle on instagram,
send a good morning text to
my folks and plan my day and
know that I can go back to
sleep for another half an hour or
not. So I lay here before I have
to get up, sip my morning coffee 
and start my daily routine.

delicious ambiguity

good night and go

Laying in my trundle bed with my canopy draping over my head and sipping my honey vanilla  sleepy time tea. Thinking about the days passed, and the days to come ahead. What's next seems to be my nightly question that I like to ponder before my eyes close.
Good night.

tick tock

June first 2012

As I sit here on my porch in my Southern California home on a Sunday evening with my cup of coffee and a cigarette freshly smoked I wonder. I've been wondering for quite sometime now, thinking, stumbling, thoughts in an out of my head of what am I to do with my life? What am I to do with my life this week, or next week? I'm a Minneapolis born and raised young girl who was confused and not happy at home. Things were spiraling down hill and I thought they would not ever  get back up. I had always visited here every chance I could get, and automatically fit right in, and thought I was meant to be here. I picked up a raggity old suit case from the dollar store, sold my car and I was on my way. Southern California. Where they say dreams and possibilites lay. They do. Connections and opportunities may come you're way here if you have the right mind set. Thats where my problem is. I've been struggling out here, some good and some bad. I started off pretty good, and I cant say that things were all that hard. They say you can come to California with nothing and end up with everything. I was working at a restaurant making good money at first for a good month or two, and ended up getting fired. I learned a lot from that experience and decided it was okay and I would just find another job, right? I applied to over 20 places in the area and went to several interviews. I was surviving on pennies. Barely being able to afford groceries, biking everywhere, and was completely jobless for almost a month. Living the life style here is not at a price where you can be in that kind of situation. Sure I have my parents supporting me, but not when it comes to rent being due. They support my thoughts, emotions, and decision to come out here and experience this while I could. Basically  I am stooped here in my yellow throne chair while my thoughts and emotions are going wild through my head and body. I awoke a few times just the other night from pains in my stomach. The nervous, butterflies, excitement kinda feeling. I was dreaming that I was home in Minneapolis. Was it my subconscious telling me that I want to go back home? Can I be happy, pursue, and grow where my roots are? Can I go back home, start a life fresh and new in a cute little apartment on the streets of Hennepin and Lyndale? I come to realize (i think) that I did so much come here to understand that I wasn't unhappy at home because of my friend group, family, the musty cold weather, and familiarity of Minneapolis, I was more so just unhappy with myself. The pressure and disclosure of the familiarity of home is all coming back to me. I won't be able to take these younger years of my life with living with my sisters and parents back when I'm 30 years old. I understand now that it's okay to travel, and experience things like moving to California when you're 18 years old, not going to college right away, and struggling for a job to pay rent or making decisions on you're own and feeling unsure of things. But the time is running out is whats causing the pain. 
Done.
Had a minor melt down writing that.
Smile on my face now. No more venting, decision is made.
Minneapolis it is, I'm going to continue to grow down your streets.