ages and age

It's been ages since i've gone on this blog, since i've written, and since i've wanted to write or express thoughts. Looking back at old posts I regret that I stopped for whatever reason that was. I like writing best when I'm going through a messy time of my life. Mid-life-crisis mode right now, but I'm totally fine with it. I discuss how Los Angeles makes me feel more alive then I ever feel to the people closest to me. They never get it. You can only get it if you have the same feeling. It's a city where you can get put down every god damn day rather your doing it to yourself, or the people surrounding you are doing it. For me, it's both.
I hate that I judge myself and I hate that I judge others even more. I'm glad at least that I can admit it. I never have so much until I moved here. It's a trait you pick up on so easily and a lot of the times, people don't realize it, usually then it gets ugly. You always crave more in this city, more within a sensation of satisfaction, then it dies out, and it's not fulfilling so you think you need more. I feel it also, but yet get confused and frustrated because I don't know what that "more" is. Or how to get to it. Currently sitting on my couch, a glass of wine deep, feeling great that I have what I have now, and the people I have met and whom I have yet to meet, and the opportunities i've had and also have yet to have, is satisfying enough. For the time being. I've truly realized that thinking you need to have all your shit together in your early twenties is something that will make you the most unhappy, and to let that go.

what inspires you

"what inspires you"

It's a question that comes to me or is on my mind with every thought, decision, and action I do. It is one question that can have so many meanings to it, based on how it's asked, and how its stated. With just starting school last week my teacher for my fashion class asked each of us in the class what inspires us. As I sat there and listened to all of these girls short responses that consisted of "I'm inspired by clothes so I want to be a stylist for a celebrity, I want to simply work with fashion because I've always loved it and want to be a designer in the future." Yes, that mainly is why we are all here signed up in this class to learn in the industry because we like the business. For me, the question has so much more meaning to it. I wanted to respond with an essay, or a short story, something with more personality, background, and experiences that is related to the question. I thought more and more about it throughout the night on my way home. For me, I have been inspired by passion and struggles. Moving to Los Angeles the city where dreams can either come true or fail miserably for my second time within the last 3 years, I'm making it count. But thriving to make what you want happen is the whole process. My schedule on a day to day basis consists of waking up at 6:30am, walking to the organic cafe that I work at off of Santa Monica Blvd, being a barista and making coffee drinks all day. Immediately after my shift, I then walk to the bus station and take a bus for an hour and a half to school, and walk for 20 minutes to get to campus until 10:00 at night, and do the same process to get back to home, repeating that 4-5 days a week. As I take these long bus rides, people seem in shock that I don't mind them. I meet and see the most random and culturally different people of all ages and backgrounds on the bus. I've had some of the most unique conversations with a few people, that to me is inspiring. For me, I'm always the one sitting there in my long mink skirt, my lace dresses, floppy hat, reading fashion magazines or hand sewing pieces for homework in the corner. I wonder to myself if it's pretty clear to others when they see me, if they can tell what I'm inspired by. If only I could of given that response to my teacher when she asked "what/how are you inspired" THAT is how I would respond. 

xo, the girl who dresses like she's going to a fashion show on the local la bus, who is an inspired fashionista who works at the coffee shop, struggling to make something happen in the mean time.

los angeles

Its los angeles

its long and wide and confusing and content.

its busy and dramatic and annoying and calming.

its where wishes wish upon, its where wishes vanish.

dont keep calm, keep distracted.

keep drunk and busy and mad and inspired.

keep your wisdom and sell your soul.

sell your thoughts and your wanders,

sell your style and your brains.

let it all fall apart, but let it put itself back together.